"I just got a banner ad on Facebook saying “Christian singles in your area are looking for you” so I’m staying in for the rest of the day."
"Someone saying, “What’s the worst that could happen?” is my cue to release the bees."
"If this toilet paper could talk, it would probably say “OH GOD! OH GOD!!!!"
"If you’re going to be outgoing and happy in the morning at least have the decency to kill yourself."
"Cool. Now you can like that people like things on Facebook. Is ANYONE working on cancer?"
"My coffee-induced diarrhea happened later than usual and it has thrown off my entire day."
"You can stay in a locked bathroom all day. There’s no rule."
"Ask your mom who her favorite child is. If she says she loves all her children equally, well, sorry, but it’s not you."
"Remember: No pain, no fun prescriptions."
"Hanging out with my boyfriend’s mom with her grandchildren in my hair."
"A good prank to play if you’re a landlord would be to shit in tenants’ apartments and listen to them fight over who did it."
"My fridge is basically an experiment in how lonely mustard can be."
"Maybe take a beat between complaining about your kids and asking me when I’m gonna have one."
"a guy with a goatee made eye contact with me this morning and im still at the police station filing an incident report"