"I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it’s okay if they put the receipt in my bag."
"I know I’m becoming my dad because when a website asks to save my password for me, I think: “You’d like that, wouldn’t you, robot?”"
"I was the kid your mom made you invite to your birthday party who then started crying and had to be picked up early."
"Plastic surgeons are really great at that “if a department store mannequin ate a 100 lemons” look."
"my pool boy is late because he says he is not my pool boy and I don’t have a pool and stay out of my neighbor’s yard"